The Art of Marriage

My husband and I are both frugal people. However, our methods of frugality vary enough that neither of us initially considered the other to be frugal. This difference is highlighted by a shopping trip that we had that included a peanut butter purchase. We were both looking for the cheapest option, but with different criteria. He looked for the cheapest price per ounce, which was the largest jar. It was so much peanut butter! We didn’t need that much! I wanted to get the normal sized jar in the cheapest brand. I wanted to pay the smallest amount to get enough. He wanted to find the cheapest long-term option. Would it surprise you to learn that my husband grew up in a middle class household while I grew up below the poverty line?

While the peanut butter incident itself is pretty small, the difference in our financial upbringings has caused a lot of friction in our marriage. I tend to buy cheap, but often. He buys infrequently, but more expensively. He has a lot more impulse control than I do. He rarely buys something just because he wants it at that moment. He’s able to walk away, weigh the pros and cons, and then find the best deal IF he even still wants it. I, on the other hand, tend to get what I want when I want, but at a cheap price. Unsurprisingly, my frequent small purchases do end up costing us significantly more in the long run. That’s the main source of friction.

However, as we came to understand each other’s history more, there was more peace. He was able to be more accepting of my spending habits. I, in turn, have been able to confront my habits and bring them under control. Our increased understanding has helped us to improve ourselves as individuals and as a couple. 

How do your and your partner’s financial decisions differ? Do you understand why?

Unity is essential to a happy marriage. However, “becoming one” can be difficult. A part of that difficulty comes from the uncertainty of what exactly it means. It doesn’t mean that either partner completely submits their needs, opinions, and emotions to their spouse. It doesn’t mean sacrificing all of your power or identity. That’s a toxic relationship. It’s not an equal partnership.

If that’s what unity isn’t, then we need to understand what it is. Unity comes from oneness in purpose. A couple should have a plan for their future and work together to achieve it. Unity comes from absolute trust in your partner. Each partner needs to know that the other one has their back. Unity comes from prioritizing your partner’s needs without sacrificing your own. There is always a need for clear communication and compromise.

The first step to achieving this is intention and commitment. You need to continually choose to strive for unity. When there are disagreements, don’t try to convince your spouse that you’re right. Focus on listening and understanding. Share your views and thoughts. As you continue to share and listen, you’ll be able to find the best way to move forward. When planning the future, don’t focus on trying to get your spouse to agree to your plan. Try to recognize the best path forward for your family as a whole. Remember that your family isn’t just a group of individuals. You are a family system where each individual affects the dynamics of the group in different ways. Trying to plan for what is best for a single individual could lead to a plan that is a terrible choice for your family system.

My husband and I have been discussing future plans since before we were married. We know that our goals are to be financially stable enough to care for about 3 children. All of our other decisions have to be made with that plan in mind. This means that I have had to be willing to sacrifice living in my preferred location. With the way things are right now, my husband may have to sacrifice his dream job. However, we are both willing to give those things up because we know that it’s for the greater good of our family, even if it’s not for the greatest good of the individual.

Sex. It is one the most important parts of marriage, but it can also be one of the most difficult parts of marriage. Why?

First, people seem hesitant to talk about it. Dr. Gottman shares that “A significant obstacle to a happy sex life, however, is difficulty communicating about the topic clearly. Often couples “vague out,” making it hard to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other.” Does that sound familiar? Are you uncomfortable using direct language when talking about sexual desires, needs, likes, and dislikes? If you are, then do what many high school sex ed classes do: say the words out loud until they stop being uncomfortable. You might use different language than the sex ed classes do, which is ok. Just practice saying whatever words you’re most likely to use during discussions. 

I’ll pull some examples from Dr. Gottman’s book to help you see what direct language is. 

• “Morning is my favorite time for making love.”
• “I really need you every day.”
• “I love it when you stroke my breasts for a long time the way you did last night.”

If you’re not that direct with your partner yet, then find some time to practice. Gottman also points out that women have more orgasms when they can talk comfortable with their partner about sex. Isn’t that worth it?

Second, partners have different sexual responses. This is a general rule. Specifics will vary by person. However, as noted by Sean E. Brotherson, “for many women sexual desire actually follows arousal, it does not precede it.” In other words, women often have to make the decision to engage in a sexual activity before the desire comes. This isn’t something that happens every time for every woman. There are times where Dr. Brotherson’s observation is very true for me, but there are also times where all it takes is for my husband to walk into the kitchen wearing jeans and no shirt. 

C.F.L.E. Laura Brotherson (married to Sean’s cousin, in case you were wondering) discusses women’s need for a warm up phase (as opposed to men who are generally always ready to go). This warm up phase is needed to help women make the emotional and mental transition from homemaker/mom/businesswoman to sexual person. She also points out that husbands can help with this transition by taking on some of their wife’s responsibilities (washing the dishes, sweeping, bathing the kids, etc.). This time is distinct from foreplay. That comes after the woman has made the emotional and mental shift. Each phase is equally important and should not be skipped.

Within a marriage, there is often a low-libido partner and a high-libido partner. Without understanding, this can create a painful cycle of the low-libido partner feeling objectified and the high-libido partner feeling rejected. This cannot be ignored. Talk about your needs and feelings. Find a way to compromise. This is a common gridlock, so look over my post on that topic for more advice.

Further Reading – 

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment – Laura Brotherson (This is a long book, but it is life-changing if you’re struggling in your sex life)

Last week I talked about the chronic pains within a marriage. Remember that the key to dealing with those is to be able to communicate in a positive way, compromise, and accept their permanency. What about when we can’t do that? 

There are a few things that my husband and I haven’t managed to deal with well yet. I won’t go into what those are because they’re too personal. Some of them cause a lot of emotional pain when I even think about them. I didn’t know how to handle this until I read Gottman’s 6th principle: overcome gridlock. 

Gridlock is what happens when a perpetual problem reaches the point where a couple can’t talk about it in a positive way. There’s no compromise. There’s no acceptance. There’s hurt and anger and sorrow. Gottman claims that this gridlock comes from a lack of understanding the other partner’s dream.

Imagine a couple who cannot agree on where to live. She wants somewhere where she can feel spiritually connected. He wants wherever will give him the best job. Neither of them is willing to back down on their wants. Why? They each have a dream tied to where they want to live. She prioritizes religion and a focus on the afterlife. He prioritizes success in the present life. With two very different goals, where is there room to compromise?

That question is the key to overcoming gridlock. Once a gridlock is identified, a couple needs to sit down and discuss the unshared dream connected to the gridlock. This sharing of dreams should not focus on how one spouse’s actions are affecting the other. This is about sharing, not blaming. 

When dreams are shared, then a couple can start working on compromise. What are the unmovable parts of your dream? What are the unmovable parts of their dream? Where is the wiggle room? Maybe the couple from the example above could find a place that combines both of their wants. Maybe he chooses the city and she chooses the neighborhood. Maybe he chooses where they live before retirement and she chooses where they live after retirement. 

The first compromise isn’t likely to be the final compromise. You may need to adjust every few months, so plan on the initial compromise being a sort of trial compromise. Put it into action, but schedule a time to talk it over again. Leave it be or make changes as needed.

TL;DR – Share your dreams and find your compromise. Act on the compromise, but be willing to reassess.

I have chronically inflamed radial and median nerves. That basically comes down to me having numbness or pain in my wrists and hands frequently. It’s kind of like getting carpal tunnel in both of my wrists at the same time. Honestly, it really sucks. However, I’m learning to live with it. A big part of that is doing what I need to do to prevent the inflammation from happening (good posture, limited phone use, etc). However, there are times where it still flares up in spite of the preventative measure (and sometimes because I just forgot about them).

There’s another chronic pain in my life: my husband. I talked about our touch differences and how I’ve handled that. We’ve also had pain from our differing libidos, plans for the future, communication, etc. Despite what that last item on the list would suggest, we manage these “chronic pains” by talking about them. We share how we’re feeling (he feels rejected when I turn down sex too many times in a row) and what our hopes are (I’d like for him to talk to me when he’s stressed rather than shutting down). We also don’t make any promises or commitments that we’re not going to keep. I won’t promise sex every night and he won’t promise that we’ll have four kids. 

Aspects of these pains will be resolved. The number of children that my husband and I have will eventually be decided. However, there are other parts of our future plans that we’ll disagree on (parenting philosophy and practices, where to retire, how many dogs to have, etc). Eventually my husband might want sex less frequently, but I might start wanting it more. The surface of the problem may change, but the problem itself likely won’t. The only way to deal with these things are humor, acceptance, commitment, and communication. 

Luckily, there still are plenty of solvable problems in marriage! Who is going to pick up kids, chore rotations, and whether or not to get that fifth dog are all things that can be worked through. Let me share a brief outline of what Dr. Gottman (who I also stole my chronic pain analogy from) advises for solving the solvable problems.

1. Soften your start up (start with a specific event and not an attack on character; use “I” statements; be nice)

2. Make and receive repair attempts (when things get heated, back off! Recognize when your partner is trying to back off)

3. Soothe yourself and each other (learn to consciously relax; take breaks as needed)

4. Compromise (This can take time. Things don’t have to be decided in the first conversation)

5. Deal with emotional injuries (if something that was said hurt you, talk about it; apologize for hurting each other; figure out how to avoid it happening again)

My husband is VERY touch-oriented. I like to sit near each other and hold hands. He likes to wrestle, tickle, and kiss me all over my face. It was the most frustrating and irritating thing EVER. I was constantly telling him to stop, pushing him away, and avoiding being too close to him. It didn’t help. Then I found a magical fix: I let go of my irritation.

I didn’t do it all at once, of course. My fix wasn’t quite that magical. However, I made an intentional effort to not avoid him and his touch. I still had my boundaries, but I also made sure to verbalize those boundaries. I told him when I was starting to get overwhelmed. I told him when I really genuinely was not in the mood for tickle wrestling. 

Two things have happened since I made this choice. First, he doesn’t do it nearly as often. His tickling came from a desire to feel closer to me than just hand holding could manage. When he could count on that need being met, he was able to back off. Second, this act that had irritated me so much actually became a positive, bonding ritual (although I’m using the term ‘ritual’ loosely here) for us.

The lesson that I learned from this experience is best summed up by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. He said, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” I reread that passage about ten times when I first came across it. Even those who aren’t religious can appreciate this concept. When a spouse is irritating, we need to focus on changing ourselves rather than changing our spouse. 

Dr. Goddard also discusses the current trend of focusing on our own happiness rather than that of our spouse. While this may be good for the individual, it is not good for the marriage. This trend is one that leads to couples growing apart from each other rather than growing towards each other. 

This doesn’t mean that any and all behavior should simply be accepted. My mother’s second husband was inexperienced with relationships. He was often dismissive of her feelings. Did she simply talk herself out of being hurt by that? No! She recognized that it came from ignorance, so she focused on understanding why he acted as he did to minimize her own hurt and maximize her love for him. She would ask for what she wanted from him (cuddle time, a listening ear, a hug, etc.). She focused on doing everything she could do to make things better. My stepfather responded to these changes and became more attuned to her feelings and needs (with the additional help of a marriage counselor). If he hadn’t, my mother may not have stayed in that marriage.

The humility they both needed for that change is one of the keys to a happy marriage. My mother had to have the humility to let go of her hurt feelings to recognize her husband’s feelings. My stepfather had to have the humility to accept that his wife had needs that didn’t make sense to him but were valid anyway. Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goeth before destruction”. If we can’t let go of our own pride, we’re heading straight towards the destruction of our own marriage.

Monday morning I realized that I needed a small notebook to help me with a homework assignment. I had no idea where to even begin to look for one at my house, so I asked my husband. He wasn’t sure either. This could have led to one of two actions on his part: he could get up to help me look or he could just shrug it off. He chose to get up and help me look. 

This may look like a small, unimportant action. It may be small, but it is far from unimportant. Dr. Gottman refers to these small moments as “turning towards each other”. My request was a “bid” to my husband for support. His choices were to turn toward me (helping me look) or turning away from me (shrugging it off). I knew my husband would either know or be willing to help me look because he had done so when I made similar “bids” in the past. Turning towards your spouse when they make a bid for attention, affection, humor, or support builds “trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 88). Who doesn’t want that?

It’s not always easy to recognize a bid. Sometimes the bid isn’t as straightforward as, “Do we have a small notebook?” It can sound more like, “Are you completely incapable of picking up after yourself?” Being able to recognize the bid there (“Can you please put away your belongings?”) can be difficult because a natural response to criticism like that is defensiveness. However, Dr. Gottman has some advice for that:

So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for the bid beneath their harsh words. Then, focus on the bid, not the delivery. If you find it difficult not to react defensively, first take five really deep breaths, counting slowly from one to six as you inhale and then slowly from seven to fifteen as you exhale. Then say to your partner, ‘I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me? I really want to know.” (Seven Principles, p. 92)

Bids can be even harder to recognize when they’re nonverbal. There are times when I’m upset with my husband for something, so I give him the silent treatment. I’m waiting for him to recognize that I’m upset and ask about it. My husband, bless his heart, has actually learned to notice this bid and respond to it. Ideally, I wouldn’t resort to something like the silent treatment. However, it means so much to me that my husband knows me well enough to recognize my bid and want to turn towards me.

Looking for bids builds your knowledge of your spouse. Responding to those bids by turning towards them builds trust and connection.

Dr Gottman emphasizes the importance of “nurturing fondness and admiration” for your partner. A quick way to do this is to just spend a few minutes thinking of why you fell in love with your spouse and why you love them now. For example, I fell in love with my husband because he made me laugh and because kissing him was fun. I still love him for his humor and kisses, but I also love his problem solving and handyman skills. Can you think of three reasons why you love your spouse?

If you could easily think of three reasons, that’s wonderful! If it was difficult, don’t worry too much. There’s still hope. I’ve previously shared information about Positive Sentiment Override and Negative Sentiment Override. At that time, I gave the advice to assume the best. I’m going to add to that by saying, “Look for the best.”

Sometimes we can get so focused on the negative (like the way my husband keeps putting my lunchbox away without taking the dishes out first) that we forget the positive (like how he loaded the dishwasher without me even mentioning that it needed to be done). Often times, discussions center around those things that don’t get done or get done the wrong way. Instead, take the time to look for and verbally acknowledge the positive things. Tell your spouse that you think their butt is cute. Thank them for sweeping or folding laundry. If they’re funny, say it! If you think they’re super smart, SAY IT!

It is vitally important to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. During conflict, it should be at least 5:1. However, outside of conflict, it should be at least 20:1. Now not all of those positive interactions need to be compliments. They can include kisses, hand holding, smiles, attentive listening, or just having fun together. Trying to make sure that you have as many positive interactions as you can gives a lot of good memories for when things get hard.

Further Reading:

Positive:Negative Ratio

Sharing Admiration

When my husband feels overwhelmed in anyway, he shuts down. He needs time alone to process what happened and what he’s feeling. After that time, he’s ready to move on. It’s taken me four years to understand that.

During the first 3 years of our marriage, I would try to force him to talk. That would add to his overwhelmed feelings and cause him to shut down further. Of course, not understanding that, I would assume that he hated me and wanted a divorce. Nothing was further from the truth. He was more than happy to talk to me about whatever was bothering him IF I gave him the time and space that he needed.

Near the beginning of our marriage, I had some Negative Sentiment Override happening. This means that I was more likely to assume the worst because that was what I was used to (from previous relationships, not from him). However, after learning about my husband and building more trust in him and our marriage, I moved into a state of Positive Sentiment Override. I began to assume the best. His silence isn’t because he hates me. He just needs some processing time. 

If your spouse forgets to put their socks in the hamper, is it because they are lazy and inconsiderate? Or is it because they really just struggle to remember? If they snap at you, is it because they hate you? Or are they stressed because of work or other issues? 

If you think you’re caught in Negative Sentiment Override mode, there are ways to get out of it. A fun way is to make more good memories! Go out and do something just for fun. If there’s something you used to do while dating, do that! You could also try something new, like axe throwing or a cooking class. Good marriages start with good friendships, so make your friendship a priority.

Also, don’t be afraid of arguments. Every couple argues. However, be prepared to make and accept repair attempts as needed. These can be things like backing off of an emotional issue, apologizing for something that came out wrong, or asking for a break. I will ask my husband for a break whenever I start feeling too upset. If I don’t, I’m likely to say something cruel to my husband. I apologize as soon as I can for that. Luckily, his Positive Sentiment Override means that his feelings aren’t hurt in the first place. However, I don’t want that to change, so I apologize anyway. 

TL;DR – Assume the best about your spouse. Don’t be afraid to argue. Don’t be afraid to say sorry. Don’t be afraid to ask for breaks.

“[F]or I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.” – Exodus 20:5

This verse from the Bible seems harsh. Why blame the children for the poor choices of their parents? It also contradicts several other verses that say that God doesn’t punish sons for the sins of their fathers. How do you reconcile the two? To me, it’s actually fairly simple. God isn’t punishing them for their fathers’ sins. He’s just allowing the natural consequences of their poor choices to occur.

            For the past few weeks, I’ve been accumulating information about 3 generations of my family so that I could chart my family’s pattern of marriage. Both my maternal and paternal sides have a similar number of people, but with a major difference in where those people come from. On my mom’s side, there is an average of 4.4 children per relative. There is an average of 1.4 partners per relative. My dad’s side is a bit different. That side has an average of 3.6 children per relative and an average of 2.3 partners per person. Only 30% of the relatives on my mother’s side had a child with more than one person. Only 30% of the relatives on my father’s side didn’t.

            First, I talk about the natural consequences for a parent’s poor decisions. Then I start talking about my family’s patterns. Do you see the connection? One side of my family had parents that set an example of getting married and staying married. There was only 1 child out of 35 that was born out of wedlock. The other side of my family had parents that set an example of divorce. None of my aunts or uncles on that side have not been divorced. Only 1 of the 4 is currently married.

            The natural consequence of a parent’s marriage habits is the continuation of those habits in the next generation. This is wonderful when the habits passed down are good habits, like communication and commitment. However, it can just as easily be negative habits that are passed down, such as divorce and abuse.

How do you avoid it? The first step is to recognize your family’s history. Try making a genogram like I did. Next, take some time to evaluate what patterns you want to keep and which you want to get rid of. Start looking for signs of those patterns within your own life. Then, start working on changing them. The patterns you want to change will decide how to go about it, but education is always a good start.

Genogram Program: Genopro