Bids

Monday morning I realized that I needed a small notebook to help me with a homework assignment. I had no idea where to even begin to look for one at my house, so I asked my husband. He wasn’t sure either. This could have led to one of two actions on his part: he could get up to help me look or he could just shrug it off. He chose to get up and help me look. 

This may look like a small, unimportant action. It may be small, but it is far from unimportant. Dr. Gottman refers to these small moments as “turning towards each other”. My request was a “bid” to my husband for support. His choices were to turn toward me (helping me look) or turning away from me (shrugging it off). I knew my husband would either know or be willing to help me look because he had done so when I made similar “bids” in the past. Turning towards your spouse when they make a bid for attention, affection, humor, or support builds “trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 88). Who doesn’t want that?

It’s not always easy to recognize a bid. Sometimes the bid isn’t as straightforward as, “Do we have a small notebook?” It can sound more like, “Are you completely incapable of picking up after yourself?” Being able to recognize the bid there (“Can you please put away your belongings?”) can be difficult because a natural response to criticism like that is defensiveness. However, Dr. Gottman has some advice for that:

So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for the bid beneath their harsh words. Then, focus on the bid, not the delivery. If you find it difficult not to react defensively, first take five really deep breaths, counting slowly from one to six as you inhale and then slowly from seven to fifteen as you exhale. Then say to your partner, ‘I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me? I really want to know.” (Seven Principles, p. 92)

Bids can be even harder to recognize when they’re nonverbal. There are times when I’m upset with my husband for something, so I give him the silent treatment. I’m waiting for him to recognize that I’m upset and ask about it. My husband, bless his heart, has actually learned to notice this bid and respond to it. Ideally, I wouldn’t resort to something like the silent treatment. However, it means so much to me that my husband knows me well enough to recognize my bid and want to turn towards me.

Looking for bids builds your knowledge of your spouse. Responding to those bids by turning towards them builds trust and connection.