My husband is VERY touch-oriented. I like to sit near each other and hold hands. He likes to wrestle, tickle, and kiss me all over my face. It was the most frustrating and irritating thing EVER. I was constantly telling him to stop, pushing him away, and avoiding being too close to him. It didn’t help. Then I found a magical fix: I let go of my irritation.
I didn’t do it all at once, of course. My fix wasn’t quite that magical. However, I made an intentional effort to not avoid him and his touch. I still had my boundaries, but I also made sure to verbalize those boundaries. I told him when I was starting to get overwhelmed. I told him when I really genuinely was not in the mood for tickle wrestling.
Two things have happened since I made this choice. First, he doesn’t do it nearly as often. His tickling came from a desire to feel closer to me than just hand holding could manage. When he could count on that need being met, he was able to back off. Second, this act that had irritated me so much actually became a positive, bonding ritual (although I’m using the term ‘ritual’ loosely here) for us.
The lesson that I learned from this experience is best summed up by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. He said, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” I reread that passage about ten times when I first came across it. Even those who aren’t religious can appreciate this concept. When a spouse is irritating, we need to focus on changing ourselves rather than changing our spouse.
Dr. Goddard also discusses the current trend of focusing on our own happiness rather than that of our spouse. While this may be good for the individual, it is not good for the marriage. This trend is one that leads to couples growing apart from each other rather than growing towards each other.
This doesn’t mean that any and all behavior should simply be accepted. My mother’s second husband was inexperienced with relationships. He was often dismissive of her feelings. Did she simply talk herself out of being hurt by that? No! She recognized that it came from ignorance, so she focused on understanding why he acted as he did to minimize her own hurt and maximize her love for him. She would ask for what she wanted from him (cuddle time, a listening ear, a hug, etc.). She focused on doing everything she could do to make things better. My stepfather responded to these changes and became more attuned to her feelings and needs (with the additional help of a marriage counselor). If he hadn’t, my mother may not have stayed in that marriage.
The humility they both needed for that change is one of the keys to a happy marriage. My mother had to have the humility to let go of her hurt feelings to recognize her husband’s feelings. My stepfather had to have the humility to accept that his wife had needs that didn’t make sense to him but were valid anyway. Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goeth before destruction”. If we can’t let go of our own pride, we’re heading straight towards the destruction of our own marriage.
The Art of Marriage 