I have chronically inflamed radial and median nerves. That basically comes down to me having numbness or pain in my wrists and hands frequently. It’s kind of like getting carpal tunnel in both of my wrists at the same time. Honestly, it really sucks. However, I’m learning to live with it. A big part of that is doing what I need to do to prevent the inflammation from happening (good posture, limited phone use, etc). However, there are times where it still flares up in spite of the preventative measure (and sometimes because I just forgot about them).
There’s another chronic pain in my life: my husband. I talked about our touch differences and how I’ve handled that. We’ve also had pain from our differing libidos, plans for the future, communication, etc. Despite what that last item on the list would suggest, we manage these “chronic pains” by talking about them. We share how we’re feeling (he feels rejected when I turn down sex too many times in a row) and what our hopes are (I’d like for him to talk to me when he’s stressed rather than shutting down). We also don’t make any promises or commitments that we’re not going to keep. I won’t promise sex every night and he won’t promise that we’ll have four kids.
Aspects of these pains will be resolved. The number of children that my husband and I have will eventually be decided. However, there are other parts of our future plans that we’ll disagree on (parenting philosophy and practices, where to retire, how many dogs to have, etc). Eventually my husband might want sex less frequently, but I might start wanting it more. The surface of the problem may change, but the problem itself likely won’t. The only way to deal with these things are humor, acceptance, commitment, and communication.
Luckily, there still are plenty of solvable problems in marriage! Who is going to pick up kids, chore rotations, and whether or not to get that fifth dog are all things that can be worked through. Let me share a brief outline of what Dr. Gottman (who I also stole my chronic pain analogy from) advises for solving the solvable problems.
1. Soften your start up (start with a specific event and not an attack on character; use “I” statements; be nice)
2. Make and receive repair attempts (when things get heated, back off! Recognize when your partner is trying to back off)
3. Soothe yourself and each other (learn to consciously relax; take breaks as needed)
4. Compromise (This can take time. Things don’t have to be decided in the first conversation)
5. Deal with emotional injuries (if something that was said hurt you, talk about it; apologize for hurting each other; figure out how to avoid it happening again)
The Art of Marriage 