Gridlock

Last week I talked about the chronic pains within a marriage. Remember that the key to dealing with those is to be able to communicate in a positive way, compromise, and accept their permanency. What about when we can’t do that? 

There are a few things that my husband and I haven’t managed to deal with well yet. I won’t go into what those are because they’re too personal. Some of them cause a lot of emotional pain when I even think about them. I didn’t know how to handle this until I read Gottman’s 6th principle: overcome gridlock. 

Gridlock is what happens when a perpetual problem reaches the point where a couple can’t talk about it in a positive way. There’s no compromise. There’s no acceptance. There’s hurt and anger and sorrow. Gottman claims that this gridlock comes from a lack of understanding the other partner’s dream.

Imagine a couple who cannot agree on where to live. She wants somewhere where she can feel spiritually connected. He wants wherever will give him the best job. Neither of them is willing to back down on their wants. Why? They each have a dream tied to where they want to live. She prioritizes religion and a focus on the afterlife. He prioritizes success in the present life. With two very different goals, where is there room to compromise?

That question is the key to overcoming gridlock. Once a gridlock is identified, a couple needs to sit down and discuss the unshared dream connected to the gridlock. This sharing of dreams should not focus on how one spouse’s actions are affecting the other. This is about sharing, not blaming. 

When dreams are shared, then a couple can start working on compromise. What are the unmovable parts of your dream? What are the unmovable parts of their dream? Where is the wiggle room? Maybe the couple from the example above could find a place that combines both of their wants. Maybe he chooses the city and she chooses the neighborhood. Maybe he chooses where they live before retirement and she chooses where they live after retirement. 

The first compromise isn’t likely to be the final compromise. You may need to adjust every few months, so plan on the initial compromise being a sort of trial compromise. Put it into action, but schedule a time to talk it over again. Leave it be or make changes as needed.

TL;DR – Share your dreams and find your compromise. Act on the compromise, but be willing to reassess.