Sex

Sex. It is one the most important parts of marriage, but it can also be one of the most difficult parts of marriage. Why?

First, people seem hesitant to talk about it. Dr. Gottman shares that “A significant obstacle to a happy sex life, however, is difficulty communicating about the topic clearly. Often couples “vague out,” making it hard to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other.” Does that sound familiar? Are you uncomfortable using direct language when talking about sexual desires, needs, likes, and dislikes? If you are, then do what many high school sex ed classes do: say the words out loud until they stop being uncomfortable. You might use different language than the sex ed classes do, which is ok. Just practice saying whatever words you’re most likely to use during discussions. 

I’ll pull some examples from Dr. Gottman’s book to help you see what direct language is. 

• “Morning is my favorite time for making love.”
• “I really need you every day.”
• “I love it when you stroke my breasts for a long time the way you did last night.”

If you’re not that direct with your partner yet, then find some time to practice. Gottman also points out that women have more orgasms when they can talk comfortable with their partner about sex. Isn’t that worth it?

Second, partners have different sexual responses. This is a general rule. Specifics will vary by person. However, as noted by Sean E. Brotherson, “for many women sexual desire actually follows arousal, it does not precede it.” In other words, women often have to make the decision to engage in a sexual activity before the desire comes. This isn’t something that happens every time for every woman. There are times where Dr. Brotherson’s observation is very true for me, but there are also times where all it takes is for my husband to walk into the kitchen wearing jeans and no shirt. 

C.F.L.E. Laura Brotherson (married to Sean’s cousin, in case you were wondering) discusses women’s need for a warm up phase (as opposed to men who are generally always ready to go). This warm up phase is needed to help women make the emotional and mental transition from homemaker/mom/businesswoman to sexual person. She also points out that husbands can help with this transition by taking on some of their wife’s responsibilities (washing the dishes, sweeping, bathing the kids, etc.). This time is distinct from foreplay. That comes after the woman has made the emotional and mental shift. Each phase is equally important and should not be skipped.

Within a marriage, there is often a low-libido partner and a high-libido partner. Without understanding, this can create a painful cycle of the low-libido partner feeling objectified and the high-libido partner feeling rejected. This cannot be ignored. Talk about your needs and feelings. Find a way to compromise. This is a common gridlock, so look over my post on that topic for more advice.

Further Reading – 

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment – Laura Brotherson (This is a long book, but it is life-changing if you’re struggling in your sex life)