Dr Gottman emphasizes the importance of “nurturing fondness and admiration” for your partner. A quick way to do this is to just spend a few minutes thinking of why you fell in love with your spouse and why you love them now. For example, I fell in love with my husband because he made me laugh and because kissing him was fun. I still love him for his humor and kisses, but I also love his problem solving and handyman skills. Can you think of three reasons why you love your spouse?
If you could easily think of three reasons, that’s wonderful! If it was difficult, don’t worry too much. There’s still hope. I’ve previously shared information about Positive Sentiment Override and Negative Sentiment Override. At that time, I gave the advice to assume the best. I’m going to add to that by saying, “Look for the best.”
Sometimes we can get so focused on the negative (like the way my husband keeps putting my lunchbox away without taking the dishes out first) that we forget the positive (like how he loaded the dishwasher without me even mentioning that it needed to be done). Often times, discussions center around those things that don’t get done or get done the wrong way. Instead, take the time to look for and verbally acknowledge the positive things. Tell your spouse that you think their butt is cute. Thank them for sweeping or folding laundry. If they’re funny, say it! If you think they’re super smart, SAY IT!
It is vitally important to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. During conflict, it should be at least 5:1. However, outside of conflict, it should be at least 20:1. Now not all of those positive interactions need to be compliments. They can include kisses, hand holding, smiles, attentive listening, or just having fun together. Trying to make sure that you have as many positive interactions as you can gives a lot of good memories for when things get hard.
Further Reading:
The Art of Marriage 