When my husband feels overwhelmed in anyway, he shuts down. He needs time alone to process what happened and what he’s feeling. After that time, he’s ready to move on. It’s taken me four years to understand that.
During the first 3 years of our marriage, I would try to force him to talk. That would add to his overwhelmed feelings and cause him to shut down further. Of course, not understanding that, I would assume that he hated me and wanted a divorce. Nothing was further from the truth. He was more than happy to talk to me about whatever was bothering him IF I gave him the time and space that he needed.
Near the beginning of our marriage, I had some Negative Sentiment Override happening. This means that I was more likely to assume the worst because that was what I was used to (from previous relationships, not from him). However, after learning about my husband and building more trust in him and our marriage, I moved into a state of Positive Sentiment Override. I began to assume the best. His silence isn’t because he hates me. He just needs some processing time.
If your spouse forgets to put their socks in the hamper, is it because they are lazy and inconsiderate? Or is it because they really just struggle to remember? If they snap at you, is it because they hate you? Or are they stressed because of work or other issues?
If you think you’re caught in Negative Sentiment Override mode, there are ways to get out of it. A fun way is to make more good memories! Go out and do something just for fun. If there’s something you used to do while dating, do that! You could also try something new, like axe throwing or a cooking class. Good marriages start with good friendships, so make your friendship a priority.
Also, don’t be afraid of arguments. Every couple argues. However, be prepared to make and accept repair attempts as needed. These can be things like backing off of an emotional issue, apologizing for something that came out wrong, or asking for a break. I will ask my husband for a break whenever I start feeling too upset. If I don’t, I’m likely to say something cruel to my husband. I apologize as soon as I can for that. Luckily, his Positive Sentiment Override means that his feelings aren’t hurt in the first place. However, I don’t want that to change, so I apologize anyway.
TL;DR – Assume the best about your spouse. Don’t be afraid to argue. Don’t be afraid to say sorry. Don’t be afraid to ask for breaks.
The Art of Marriage 